ok here goes a massive rant that u should probably ignore I just need to finally vent it all out ugh idk
basically on the 23rd of February my grandma passed away. she went into hospital exactly two weeks ago today and I was there with her throughout it. she’s struggled since having a stroke 20 years ago and 2 minor ones after that. for the last year she’s really deteriorated and the day she went into hospital she collapsed.
seeing her in hospital was a very weird experience idk. I’ve always knew the day was going to come but it was awful I just wanted to run away but at the same time never leave her side. the grandma I’ve known and loved for the past 18 years of my life was such a happy, cheerful woman; full of life even though sometimes she got angry at herself when she couldn’t do the things she once could or became confused. she always put someone in their place if they were wrong and bossed my grandad about but she was such a loving woman who had a very special place in my heart and I felt it vice versa. she was always so happy to see me and we always told each other ‘I love you’ when I left her home.
now seeing her in the hospital bed not aware of what was going on around her completely broke my heart. my grandad was at her side just like he had been for over 56 years bc ‘he knew she was the one’. she didn’t know where she was, she didn’t acknowledge my presence and she couldn’t even explain to the doctors how much pain she was in. eventually they moved her to a ward (idk this ward where they put you before they find a proper ward idek) and it felt so clinical (ik hospitals are) but so uncomfortable. they told us she’d be in for a week but she’d probably survive.
we came back on the Friday and my grandma was just going for an MRI scan, I saw her through the hospital ward doors coming for her scan and she perked up, looked happy to see me and waved. she even acknowledged I’d bought her, her favourite magazine. they came back from the scan, didn’t tell us anything and we assumed she was okay.
the next day (Saturday) my grandad had gone to see her in the afternoon (I couldn’t bc work) and said they’d sat her up in a chair but again she was confused, didn’t know where she was, didn’t know who he was. it was awful bc you could tell it broke his heart to see her like that. we went with my grandad for the evening visiting hours. when we got there there was a line of people at the door all waiting to go in. a nurse quickly bobbed her head and impatiently asked ‘who are you here to see?’ and as soon as we said my grandmas name her look completely changed. she just looked very sorrowful and as if she’d been slapped really. ‘right you better come in and take a seat in this office make yourself comfortable’. a doctor then came in and proceeded to tell us my grandma had collapsed again and she was going for another scan but the outlook wasn’t looking good bc she was unconscious.
the results came back and it was as the doctor had predicted, she had, had a massive stroke and it caused a huge bleed on her brain and she wouldn’t survive. all of this didn’t feel real really?? it felt as if I was reading this and it was just a story idk.
my mum and grandad went out for some air and I went and sat with my grandma. she looked like she was sleeping yet uncomfortable, I held her hand for a while and burst into tears. I then kissed her cheek and told her I loved her, like we always used to do. it felt weird not having the ‘I love you too my love’ reply. i felt so empty.
we left at 2am with my grandad after my uncle and his wife came up from London and my auntie and uncle came to sit with her also came to sit with her. we expected her to live a few more days.
I got a phone call at 3am just as i got into bed and shouted at my mum to call my grandad bc I missed the call. my grandad said ‘it’s the worst possible outcome your mum has passed on’ and I heard my mum shout up the stairs in a very fragile voice ‘Lu we’ve got to go back to the hospital, grandmas passed away’. I remember feeling stunned and delirious trying to find clothes to put on without falling over. none of it sunk it. we picked up my grandad and raced to the hospital as if she hadn’t passed away, as if we had time left. we ran onto the ward and drew open the curtains and my grandma was just lay there with the family around her. she looked so peaceful as if she wasn’t in pain anymore. the colour had gone from her cheeks but as i stared at her I kept tricking myself she was still breathing.
it sounds awful but I felt as if I had made my goodbye. obviously I was in tears I was completely heartbroken but I’m glad the last words I ever said to her were ‘I love you’. the last time she spoke to me was on the Friday when she was slightly better and her actual last words to me were ‘I love you too’ so in a way I feel at peace with that. I kissed her forehead goodbye and we held my grandad and walked him to the car.
nothing’s been the same really since. I feel uncomfortable at college, uncomfortable at my grandads bc my uncles wife is making my life a living hell. I originally made this post to rant about how she took over the funeral and burial today and yesterday and ruined them basically but I decided to instead tell the story of how I lost my grandma but in a way I’m at peace with it.
I am still so upset and I always will be, I have my grandmas locket to wear and that helps I guess. how I said goodbye to her has gave me a lot of inner peace and she won’t ever be forgotten.
'she said what she meant and she meant what she said' - my grandad about my grandma.
I love you grandma, rest in peace.
all my love, Lucy xxx